Hey, guys. How do you like the new look of my website? I wanted something more straightforward and less cluttered, on the front-end and the back-end. My favourite part is that it loads faster! But as much as I would love to be more excited about revamping of my website, I’m pretty exhausted. These last few months since I’ve talked to you have been rewarding and devastating at the same time. It feels as though with every improvement I make, I always look back and have regrets.
Am I doing this right?
I’m not an expert web developer. In fact, I’m learning as I go. But as I learn, I wonder how many mistakes I’m making along the way. Mistakes that will come back and bite me further down the road. That’s what it felt like when I was making improvements to my website. I realized I was spending too much on web hosting, installing plugins I don’t need, and adding too much CSS. I’m just full of regrets. Even now, I wonder if I’ve done everything right, or will I eventually have to rip out the stitches and redo them?
I’ve been doing that thing lately where I ask myself what I would have done differently had I known what I do now. I have run this blog for four years and I still haven’t figured out how to post regularly. I try to be patient, reminding myself that I’m also attending university and school is ultimately more important. Even then, it can be hard to read Reddit posts about people posting multiple times a week, getting regular traffic, and monetizing their content. I made my own whiny post about whether I should just put this blog to sleep and I was encouraged to do the blog for fun instead of expecting something to come out of it. Still, I wonder where I’d be if I had the energy to schedule posts in advance.
Where are things going wrong?
Meanwhile, I’m making progress as a lyricist, but I haven’t improved much as a vocalist. I feel like I’m running out of time. I mean, I don’t like putting an expiration date on my artistic career, but my academic career has a very distinct finish line. Right now, I need to prove myself to my teachers and it feels like I’m falling short. There are so many things I feel like I should have learned before I became a music student that I never did. How can I be a singer-songwriter if I can’t sing properly? The shame is so overwhelming that even when I receive praise for my performances, the pride rings hollow.
Another thorn in my side is my guitar playing skills. I’ve owned a guitar since the ninth grade and I can’t even play bar chords anymore. Sure, I could rely on my capo, but bar chords would certainly be useful for switching keys. There’s no hiding my small repertoire of strumming patterns, though. It’s become hard to confront my mediocrity, especially when I’m expected to perform at a professional level. So much so that I don’t even want to write lyrics anymore. I get ideas for songs from time to time, but I remember how poorly I sing or how terrible I am at playing guitar and don’t bother writing them down.
Are things going to get better?
I keep waiting for an axe to fall on me. Like, if I don’t improve fast enough, it’s an indication that I’m not meant for my current career path. Alas, week after week, my teachers check on my progress, and I always show them that I’m making a genuine effort. That’s the only thing they can objectively grade me on. As for my website, I guess I’ll just do whatever I want with my virtual plot of land regardless of who sees. It’s times like these when I remember what trainees on kpop survival shows always say: “I know I’m not perfect, but I will do my best to make you proud of me.” More or less.
Now enjoy this video of me performing an original song: